kitsch

"thanks to the human heart by which we live, thanks to its tenderness, it's joys, and fears, to me the meanest flower that blows can give thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."

.william wordsworth

i've been confronted with my destructive behavior a lot lately. i've been teetering on self hatred and throwing the towel in. i'm so disappointed by the fact that there are some things that i might always struggle with for the rest of my life. i hate that speak ill of people without giving a second thought. or even worse, catch myself and continue anyway. i hate that i forget to love others they way they need to be loved and not the way i need to be loved. i hate that i lack compassion, understanding, and discipline. i hate that i  emotionally injure myself thinking it's what i need.
i hate that i know all of this and know that i will try to fix these problems, only to realize a few months down the road that they are still present. i hate that god knows all of the above and is okay with it. because i'm not. i want to change. i want people to see me and see god's transforming power in my life. really, i long for perfection, as absurd of a longing that it is. someone close to me recently pointed out that god always uses the broken to pour out his love.

that stuck with me. i want to be that, but the reality is i don't know that i'm brave enough to feel the weight of my sin every day as i carry it on my back, one step behind christ.
maybe i should stop begging god to help me be perfect.
and just ask that he make me a little braver.

"it remains a startling story to those who never understand that the men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their imperfect existence... my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by jesus christ and i have done nothing to earn it or deserve it." .brennan manning

Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual, because we have violated another life, a life which we loved, or from which we were estranged. It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and composure have become intolerable to us. It strikes us when year, after year, the longed for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsion reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness. If that happens to us, we experience grace. After such an experience, we may not be better than before, and we may not believe more than before. But everything is transformed." .paul tillich