kitsch

Over the summer I was with my grandfather, who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. It was just the two of us in the house; I was there tidying up the place while my grandmother went to a hair appointment and my pop sat in his cream lazy boy, drifting in and out of a nap. It was not unusual to have silence accompany the two of us but with my recent move back to my hometown, the realization of my pop's health was hitting harder than I had hoped. I normally love simply being in my pop's presence -especially if we're both occupied. He could talk all day to a fence post and still have a few words to spare and often times it's hard for me to swallow his stories or simply hear them after a handful of times. But that day was different. I hated that he didn't have much to say. The clock in the kitchen just seemed to tick louder and the dryer became obnoxious screeching. I started thinking about how I'll probably be the first grand kid whose name he can't quite remember, and began dreading the day he stopped telling the story about the time I got homesick camping with him or when I used to recruit him to buy me McDonald's cheeseburgers at an obscenely young age. I felt angry that he'll probably never meet my future spouse, or see me being an adult -living out all those life lessons he tried to instill in us. My eyes even began fogging up at the thought of a Christmas without that stupid "yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" letter that he reads every. single. year.
The ambient noises of the house laid on my ear like a cheese grater, my chest so full of anger I could barely focus on cleaning the bathroom mirror.
"Hey, Baby girl?" those three words could never still my heart like they did when my Pop's voice floated in from the living room.
I swallowed hard. "Hmm?"
"We sure appreciate you coming over and cleaning today." And that's when it hit me -people have flaws, they get under your skin, the can be cheesy and outdated, you take them for granted, and in the case of family, you're stuck with them forever. I knew in that moment I had the greatest Pop in the whole world. And he was going to continue being the greatest, even when the memories stop being swapped, and he can't remember who I am. I know I can't love something more than I can miss it. I've decided Alzheimer's is not worth getting angry over; I'm just learning to let the good times roll, just me and my Pop.